Dear Mark

Just another weblog

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I am trying so hard to be strong! But my heart is so totally broken!!!!


June 10, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Monday, June 9, 2008

more later.

June 10, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Today was hard. I woke up and fed the horses like a zombie. It was cold… I was lonely….. I managed to get some of the house straightened up.

V came home at 5:00pm and I knew we were in for a long night…. she had left her blue elephant that was given to her at the hospital at R’s house. Not good.

She came in the front door and out the back. She hates being in the house.

I got her to go feed horses with me and I asked her what the problem was with being in the house. She told me she didn’t want us to be alone and she wanted to move in with my Mom or Kris-e. My heart broke more….

We both broke down crying and she told me that there was so much she wanted you to teach her….she wants to be a welder like you were… She misses you. I asked her if there as anything she wanted of yours and she said ‘YES!” She walked into the house and grabbed your new shoes and your cowboy boots and placed them stragically in her room; shoes by the door, boots at the side of her bed. She wants to hang one of your grey shirts on the wall. We cried together.

She is afraid of crying… she doesn’t think you want her to cry. I told her that you were crying, too, and that it was okay for her to cry.

The other day she asked me if I thought that you were mad when you found out you had died. I told her that you were probably mad as hell. I know that you didn’t want to go. You told me, yourself, that you had too much left to do…. How I wish you were here to do it.

June 8, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Friday, June 6, 2008

Friday’s suck.

Today we took the students for the results of their health exams. All it did was remind me of 2 weeks ago when they were running so many tests on you, trying to figure out what was going on.

This morning I awoke to Whiskers under the covers and this evening while waiting for R to pick up V, Tarzan was incredibly loving. Do you think they know?

When 5:11 rolled around it was all I could do to keep from crying…. When V left at 5:30, all hell broke loose. It was all Ii could do to feed the horses trough the tears.

I called Ty… no answer. I called my Mom and spoke to her for a bit. Nothing helps. I need YOU!

I opened the box that your Mom is in and apologized to her for her still being here. We should have scattered her ashes, but we ran out of time. Who knew?

I asked her why she let you join her and cried. It was almost 13 months to the day. April 24, 2007 to May 23, 2008. NOT FAIR!

Yor medical bills are starting to come in. Apparently they are sending them to your old insurance company and then to me.

I spoke to the woman who handled your Mom’s account at the bank today. I let her know what to expect.

I’m still not sleeping well… all is black, although the other day I had a dream about tan colored capri pants. WTH? I don’t wear capris… Perhaps I should?

All is black in my dreams. I miss you so much. I LOVE you, Babe!

June 7, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Thursday, June 5, 2008

This morning sucked. And the day didn’t get much better.

I missed the garbage man. I heard him. I just didn’t care.

I drove to the car to work (no gas in the truck and I didn’t feel like putting any in) and turned on the radio. Country. The last station you listened to.

I miss talking to you every morning on the way to work, at the end of lunch, and during the drive home. I drive like a zombi now, occassionally “talking” to you and questioning God. Why would he take such a good person? You would never hurt anyone!!!!! I have begun to question if there really is  God or if he is just something man invented to place blame on for anything bad happening.

I had to help another teacher today and meet his students after testing at 2:45. I started out at 2:30 and started crying remember that you first called me 2 weeks ago today at 2:30 complaining you were sick. I had to stop and re-group.

I got them through it and to their next appointment and wanted to cry as I remembered the events of two weeks ago.

I felt like an outcast all day.

I called the hospital to correct the address for the autopsy papers. Nobody called back.

I called my attorney last night. He never called back today.

I called the mortuary to see if your remains were there. They sent me through 3 different people before the funeral director confirmed that you had just returned today. I could pick you up today. I thought about it and realized that it was going to be a horrible night the night you “came home”…. I will do it Friday when I can be alone and cry.

Bringing you home will be so bittersweet. On one hand, I think it will bring me peace, knowing you are here. On the other hand, I think it will make it harder knowing that you have been reduced to ashes and even though you are home, there will be no hugs, kisses, or conversation. Damn. We had so much life to live and so many plans!!! Why this?????? Why us???? Why are we being punished???

I feel so alone. I feel so empty. Everything is black when I close my eyes.

V runs around with the laminated copy of your obituary. I think it brings her peace when she can see your picture. She is so protective  of it. She totally panicks when she can’t find it.

I am crying now. V is in bed and I cna finally let down my guard.

I think your ex has convinced R that I have thrown your stuff out. Fact is, your toothbrush is where yu left it, your hat is still on the table and I’m not ready to do anything with anything.

The pillow that you laid on as you lay on the bathroom floor that night is still where you left it. The half eaten otter-pop is still standing propped up n the roll of toilet paper on your side of the bed. The last glass you drank out of is still in the bathroom and your towel hasn’t been washed. I can’t bring myself to touch those things. They are the last things you touched.

I haven’t moved your truck. I haven’t even sat in it. I keep waiting for you to do it.

Remember that episode of “24” where Jack Bauer “died”? Remember how he didn’t really die, but they faked his death and he went on the run? I keep hoping that they did that to you… that you entered the winess protection program and you are alive and healthy someplace…. waiting for me to find you or you to make contact. I know it won’t happen and that you are really gone, but the fantasy of it all is inviting. It would make things so much easier to deal with. The finality of it all kills me.

We all miss you so much!

 I have lost ten pounds in 2 weeks…. but I’d rather be fat and happy with you here.

I miss you so much!!!!!

Gotta go…. tears blurring my vision. I love you!!! I miss youand I have never felt so alone. You made me complete!!!

June 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Tonight was not a good night, and to think about things, the whole day sucked.

One of my male students left a girlfriend and three month old son behind to enter the program with us. They are in California and he is here. A long ways away.

She is constantly texting him and begging him to return. I was trying to convince him it was a good idea to stay. I told him that I know how she feels; he is no longer there to do things with and she misses his presence. I told him to remind her that he would be returning; this was a temporary measure to improve their future and he needed to finis school. He showed me some of the messages and some of the pictures she sent him. It about sent me over the edge.

He came in after school and was able to talk to him more. I told him I knew EXACTLY how she was feeling, only my situation was permanent. I told him how I had lost my hero 1 1/2 weeks ago…. to death. It was all I could do to not cry. Don’t get me wrong…. the tears were there…. I just did my best to keep them in check.

When I got home there was a letter addressed to “The Family of…………..”. I about lost it. “The family of….” is never good. It reminds you there has been a tragedy. I cried.

There was also a card from Tracey and Jim. I cried some more.

V still hates being in the house and spent a lot of time with the neighbors or just outside. I finally got her in bed about 9pm. By 9:30 I couldn’t take it anymore and lost it completely.

I miss you so much!! My heart is broken and torn to shreds.

I cried uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep.

Damn it! Life is soo not fair! Why did He have to take you???? You were the first to give and the last to take!!

WHY YOU???????

June 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


June 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Monday, June 2, 2008

I have been robbed of my time to grieve for you. W has taken that and I and angry. I’m calling my attorney. I called Ty. He went to the Charlie Daniels Concert with backstage passes and got special pictures signed. He is sending them here for the kids.

June 3, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Sunday, June 1, 2008

V still wants nothing to do with the house and told me she wants to move to Idaho. She played a lot with the neighbors.

I was out cleaning the water trough out when W called. She asked all sorts of questions. Was there a will? Where was your Mom’s will? Where was the money. I was so not surprised. She said, “I have to be hnest with you, I saw an attorney on Friday”….. WTH????? Money grubbin wench.

June 3, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Saturday, May 31, 2008

stay tuned

June 3, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment